


Recovery

by LetMeBeYourWings1995



Category: Captain America (Movies), captain america: the winter soldier - Fandom
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, post winter soldier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-29
Updated: 2015-04-29
Packaged: 2018-03-26 09:01:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3845074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LetMeBeYourWings1995/pseuds/LetMeBeYourWings1995
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post Winter soldier. Maybe OOC Steve and Bucky, but I tried. I did describe on of the Winter Soldier's hits, so head's up!!!!!( nothing too graphic, but I put up the warning just in case.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Recovery

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't sure if Steve spoke Russian, but in this story he doesn't. If he does, message me and I'll remember.

He opened the front door to his temporary hideout in an abandoned warehouse and walked in. After what happed with Hydra and SHEILD going down, the ghost of Bucky Barnes ran far away. He couldn’t stick around, something he learned from his training with Hydra; once the job was done, he left to let the survivors pick up the pieces. But Captain America seemed desperate to save him and to get him to remember the past. However the former Hydra assassin’s past was riddled with memories of Zola testing on him and nothing but pain if he didn’t comply.

“ _You shot me_.” Came a low voice in Russian. It unnerved him that he found comfort in the language, but the Winter Soldier paused as he gazed into the dark.

“ _I did_.” He replied. The sound of military issued boots brought the source of the voice into the sparse lighting from a hole in the roof. It was the Romanov woman with SHIELD; the Winter Soldier had seen her with Captain America. He vaguely remembered the fight on the street in the city. There were explosions and screams in the haze of his tampered mind.

“ _If you think about it, you have now shot me twice in my life_.” She stated with her arms crossed. “ _You read up on me; you know what I’m capable of_.”

He nodded. “ _Your point?_ ”

She narrowed her eyes. “ _They only reason why you are still alive is because Steve is looking for you. And I don’t think he would like to find pieces_.”

Briefly, he couldn’t remember who Steve was, and then a flashback to a small sickly boy staying over in his apartment on the night his father died and later when his mother had died. The same sickly boy who took a serum to make him stronger and rescued him from Red Skull. He remembered being by his side as they shut down the Hydra camps one-by-one. He remembered. He remembered Steve’s smile. He remembered a pair of lips.

He gasped heavily as his head began to hurt even more. Raising his flesh hand to his forehead, he shut his eyes tight. The pain made him reach out for the nearest wall, but he fell on the hard ground. He groaned and felt a small hand rubbing his back and whispering a Russian lullaby. Hauntingly, it comforted him.

“James.” She said in English. “That is your name, right?”

He nodded. “It was.” He said through gritted through his teeth.

“And now?”

Laughing bitterly, he shook his head. “I’m not worthy for that name. To be that person again.”

She nodded and continued to rub his back. “Steve is worried about you.”

“I shot him too.” Tears forming behind his closed lids. “He was my best friend.”

“He _is_ your best friend.” The Romanov woman urged. “Steve won’t care what you’ve done. Trust me.”

“Sounds kind of ironic.” He quipped. “Two former assassins who spent their whole lives pretending and lying having to trust each other.” He opened his blue eyes and stared up at her. Natasha knew behind the strong mask was a frightened man from the forties – just like Steve when he woke up from the ice to a new world.

“How often do the memories come?” She asked changing the subject.

“Two memories, maybe four a day.” He offered. “They’re usually the hits Hydra made me do. Other times it’s Steve and me; our lives before everything happened.” He sat up and was supported with his metal arm.

“Steve was on your trail for a while.” She said.

“I know.” He was trained to follow people and kill them without being seen. Of course Steve was following him after the helicarriers had fallen, hence the hidden warehouse he was hiding in now. “I can’t talk to him.”

She scoffed at him. “Why? Is it because you love him and you think if he found out about what you’ve done, he’ll hate you?”

The Winter Soldier shot his head up and his eyes were full of fear. “I don’t love-“

“Cut the crap, okay.” She interrupted. “The way he talks about you like you’re some bigger-than-life person, he loves you too..”

“I don’t think Steve feels the same.” He whispered dejectedly in Russian as he looked away.

“Why don’t you ask him?” Natasha lifted his chin and forced his eyes to meet her equally blue eyes. “He’s on his way here.”

He inhaled sharply and stood up to begin pacing. “What? What the hell? That’s why you’re here? To fucking distract me so Captain fucking America can find me and stare at me with those blue eyes that seem to be his normal look now. I mean did you see him on that street when my mask flew off? He used that look on me when he dragged me to town after town trying to get into the army! I swear there were times that I could’ve kissed him every time we went out on the town, but I was afraid that people would find out.”

Natasha let him rant. “So you care for him?”

“Hell, yes, but I can’t be with him!”

“Why the hell not, Buck?” A new voice shouted from behind him. Turning, the former assassin saw the object of their discussion. Steve Rodgers. Captain America.  He was with the flying man from the helicarrier, Falcon, though all he could see was Steve.

Shaking his head, the memory of the smiles and the laughter with that name overwhelmed him. Bucky, the former Winter Soldier, couldn’t handle the massive memory overload that was rushing in. It was like his chest was collapsing. There was ringing in his ears and his heart was speeding up until he was up against a wall clutching his chest with his metal arm. He could hear Natasha yelling at him, but then he could also hear Zola and Pierce yelling orders for him to kill even though he knew they were long dead. He felt a strong hand on his shoulder and he raised his eyes to see the Star Spangled Man. It was for only a moment before he saw darkness.

***

Natasha sighed. “I told you to wait until I could talk him into going to see you.” She glared pointedly at the Falcon.

Sam shrugged. “I tried to stop him. Have you tried to talk him down from something he was set on?” Natasha rolled her eyes and nodded.

“It doesn’t matter now. Will Bucky be okay?” Steve asked as he knelt down next to his best friend. He brushed stray hairs off his face gently.

“Don’t know. He was telling me that he was getting his memories back and they were hurting him. I guess seeing you too soon overwhelmed him.”

Steve nodded seeing his mistake. “I miss him.” He whispered. Natasha placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“Let’s give him some space so when he does wake up, he won’t go Hydra on us.” Sam suggested with his dry humor. Steve reluctantly stood up and stared down at his friend. There was an agitated peace that splayed across Bucky’s face. It reminded Steve of the nights in Germany when they shared a tent together. He wondered if Bucky remembered those cold nights in the military issued cots.

***

Blearily, his eyes opened and saw the blonde man sitting against the wall across from him. The man saw him and smiled. “Bucky?” He sounded so relieved. “You’re awake. What do you remember?”

Bucky wanted to say everything at once. He remembered Steve being small then big. He remembered Steve coming to rescue him from Zola and the Red Skull. He remembered the expedition to take down all of Hydra. He remembered Peggy in her red dress. He remembered Steve. He remembered the tent they shared and the cold German nights that came.

And then he remembered what he had done and sat up and pulled his knees to his chest and stared down at the floor. Bucky was not the same as he once was. “ _I remember nothing_.” He spoke in Russian, going to the tongue of his captors under stress.

Steve looked confused and turned to Natasha. “Nat?”

She came forward. “What?”

“I don’t speak Russian.” Steve whispered as he gazed downward looking lost.

Natasha knelt down in front of Bucky. “ _What did you say?_ ” She asked. When he didn’t answer, Natasha snapped her fingers and his head shot up as he was trained to do as an assassin. “ _Say it again!_ ” She demanded.

“ _I remember nothing._ ” He emphasized harshly and went back to staring intently at the floor.

Natasha looked up at Steve. “He’s reverting to defense mode. KGB made me do the same if I was ever caught by the enemy.”

“What did he say?”

“He said he remembers nothing.”

Steve nodded and ran a hand over his face. He tried not being hurt by it, but some part of him hoped that Bucky would remember him. They had been through everything together – the death of both his parents, every bully that beat on him before the serum, even on the frontlines of the battle. He let out a shaky breath.

“Will he come out of it?” He asked.

Natasha shrugged. “I never did before Fury found me. But he _was_ starting to remember, Steve.”

“I’m gonna go see if Sam needs help.” He didn’t specify what Sam needed help with; he just needed to get out for a while. The Falcon was tinkering with his mechanical wings when he raised his head to see Steve walk away from the duo in the corner. Steve didn’t know what to say and Sam stood up.

“Wanna go for a run? Clear our heads?” He offered. Sam, during the few months he had spent with the man-out-of-time searching for Hydra’s broken puppet, had bonded with Steve and Sam had observed his ticks. Right now, Steve needed air and it was up to Sam to use his training from the VA to help his friend.

Steve gave his friend a quick nod and began to leave the warehouse with Sam on his heels. Instead of starting out slow, Steve broke out into a fast run Sam knew he wasn’t going to be able to catch up. He then began a steady pace in the same direction that Steve started out and slowly followed him. It was about twenty minutes later that he heard the pounding of feet behind him.

“On your left.” A panting voice said approaching his left.

“I know.” He responded and continued on.

That continued for a while until Sam caught up with the big muscled man leaning up against a tree. He was shaking with silent sobs and Sam slowed down. He came behind him and placed a hand on his back. Steve tensed and turned his head to see Sam behind him.

“I needed a break from the running.” He offered as an explanation.

Sam gave him a small smile. “You don’t need to use any excuses with me, man.”

“There’s something I need to tell you.” Steve said as he turned to face his friend. “Bucky and I are… _were_ more than friends.” It looked like it hurt him to use the past tense.

But Sam didn’t mention it and nodded. “Yeah, you told me. When you had nothing, you had him.”

Steve shook his head. “No, it’s more than that.” He looked up at him with teary eyes. “Look, I grew up in a time where guys and girls were sent away for feelings that didn’t fit the status quo. Bucky said no one would ever know, but I knew one day, we would be separated and I would never see him again. So when he applied for the army-“

“You had to follow him.” Sam finished for him.

Steve nodded. “Though it was mainly because I wanted to help in any way I could. Then when we were over there, the guys didn’t care that I wanted to share a tent with Bucky, we had grown up in the Great Depression and everyone was on rations to maintain our wellbeing as a nation so people understood why we did what we did. But that wasn’t the only reason.”

“What was the other reason?” Sam pressed. He wasn’t going to jump to conclusions. It was Steve’s story to tell and it had to be at his own pace.

Steve sat down at the bottom of the tree with his head in his hands. He didn’t know why he was scared, but releasing it all and out into the open was a scary thing. “I liked Bucky. More than a friend should have in the 1940s. I remember weekend church talking of all the hellfire that would come if you admitted to it. Bucky didn’t care too much because he didn’t really go to church all that much, but he knew what other people thought and he was careful – he had a girl on his arm every other week. My ma knew. I knew she did though she didn’t say anything and she loved me. I know that I’m in the 21st century and I don’t have to worry so much, but everything is happening at once and it feels like I have asthma all over again.”

Sam knelt in front of Steve and grasped his shoulders. “Whatever you feel, you should never feel ashamed of.”

“But the problem is I liked Peggy. If I had to choose between her and Bucky, I couldn’t make that decision.” Steve argued. “How can I like both?”

Sam chuckled softly. “We call it ‘bisexual’.”

Steve’s eyes grew wide. “It has a name?”

Nodding, Sam patted Steve’s shoulder. “And a lot more people than you think.”

***

“ _Good job, Barnes._ ” Natasha berated in Russian. “ _Make the one person who loves you walk away._ ”

Bucky didn’t say anything and kept staring at the ground. Natasha pulled out a water bottle from her pack and handed it to him. Waving it in front of his face didn’t pull him out of the trance. Natasha knew he had to be very thirsty, but if his training was anything like hers, he wouldn’t break even for a drop to gratify his parched tongue.

She sighed and opened the bottle in front of him – she wasn’t going to let her thirst go unsatisfied. Downing a good size gulp and screwed the cap back on, Natasha sat across from him.

“ _He searched for you. Every day, him and Sam. There were times where it was rough and he could’ve given up, but he was always set on finding you._ ” She counseled. “ _To me, that says determination._ ”

Bucky was still silent. Whatever Pierce did to him made him extremely still like a statue. The former Russian could only imagine the horrors that he faced to become the cold blooded killer he was known to be. Natasha wouldn’t give up though. If Steve was willing to trek the entire globe to search for him, forcing him to come back to planet Earth was the least Natasha could do.

“ _James –.”_

“ _I can’t go by that name._ ” He said in a broken whisper.

Natasha grinned inwardly as Bucky’s resolve was breaking.

“ _Why not?_ ” She asked.

Bucky tightened his grip on his knees to the point where he winced as the metal arm crushed his leg a little more. “ _I can’t be who I was when I have become what I am._ ”

“ _And what are you?”_ Natasha questioned. “ _A man behind a mask who killed at the drop of the hat? A man who was nothing more than a puppet? Or are you the man who loved Steve Rogers more than Captain America?_ ”

“Steve can’t know!” Bucky yelled out in English. “No one can ever know!” He began to rock, hitting his head against the wall behind him. “All those pastors and priests talked of hellfire for people like me. Now I’m going there for sure.”

Natasha sighed. “What you did is not who you are. Take me for example; I have a lot of red in my ledger when I joined this ragtag group.” The Winter Soldier began to shake – a new memory came to the surface.

“What’s wrong?” Natasha asked.

Bucky’s lip wobbled. “There was a kid. Pierce set out the hit because some guy in politics wouldn’t jump on board and they knew his weakness was his daughter. She had blonde hair and bright blue eyes. She kinda looked like Steve. I hid in her room at night in the corner close to her window. She sat up in the middle of the night and just stared at me with an innocent gaze. She asked me if I was there because of her dad. I don’t know why, but I nodded. She didn’t cry out for her dad but just sat in her bed. I knew I had to kill her then because she had seen me so I advance toward the bed.

“She just accepted her fate. I was there to kill her and she didn’t even cry. Before I could pull out my knife, she asked for a glass of water. On her bedside table was a water pitcher and separate glass. The assassin in me told me to ignore her and finish the mission, but I remember pouring the water and handing it to the girl. When she downed the glass, she placed it back on the table. Her eyes went up to mine and she said she was ready. She grabbed my metal hand and put it on her cheek. She told me that it was alright and she wanted it quick so not to make her dad too upset.” His voice broke. “I broke her neck. Like it was nothing to me. I went to war, I killed people, but I had never killed a kid.”

“It wasn’t your fault.” Natasha comforted. “We’ve done things we aren’t proud of, but that shouldn’t stand in the way of what you want to be. You’re seventy years out of time – technically that’s time travel. You could have a new life.”

“But Steve-” Bucky started.

“You live in a time where you can love whoever you want. It doesn’t matter race, age, or gender. Just follow the laws sometimes and you’ll be fine.”

Bucky looked her in the eye and saw something familiar – unapologetic honesty. He was usually the one giving it to Steve. Telling him that they were going out with two girls he had met while he was walking around the town in his uniform. He remembered Steve tagging along reluctantly. He remembered the blue eyes that pleaded to him to go home when the night was still young and most nights he would let the sickly boy have his way.

Then he remembered Germany. Steve had saved him and it stirred something in him – something that had been dormant for a long time. He recalled their tent that they shared. It was cold in Germany and Steve was warm. They had chalked it up to the serum combating hypothermia and making him extra warm. It was then Steve’s turn to take care of Bucky and Bucky had liked it.

He remembered their first kiss that night. It had been slow and sweet before it was broken by a rustle outside the tent. Bucky was cautious, but overtime he got used to it. He knew about Steve’s love for Peggy, but Steve said that it was over between them.

“Buck?” The voice from his past called out. Gazing up, he saw him for who he was; Steve Rogers. Kind, caring, selfless, and utterly beautiful. There were tears in his eyes and he knew that he had caused those tears. Standing up, Bucky Barnes was determined. He crossed the warehouse floor and grabbed Steve and pushed him roughly on a nearby wall. Natasha quickly put her hand on her gun to subdue the Winter Soldier if necessary.

Steve and Bucky panted in almost unison. The metal arm holding him firmly against the wall, Steve prepared himself for the inevitable. It was now our never.

“I remember.” He stated lowly as more tears came. “I remember everything, Steve. Every God forsaken thing.”

Steve was elated and wiped away the tears from his eyes. “I forgive ya, Buck.” He pressed their foreheads together. “To the end of the line.”

“Don’t hate me.” He whispered desperately.

Steve pulled away but still had his hands on Bucky’s face. He stared deeply into Bucky’s eyes. “Never.” He whispered back.

Bucky couldn’t handle it anymore and crashed his lips on top of Steve’s. Sam and Natasha exchanged a look before stepping out of the warehouse. Between the two men, hands were everywhere; grabbing and caressing to satisfy primal and comforting needs. They needed each other to feel grounded. They needed that one thing in this changed world that was familiar. Bucky needed Steve and vice versa. Two men who went to war in the 1940s and woke up in the 21st century came together as though they would die again without each other.

“Steve,” Bucky whispered as they parted, bur the words weren’t getting out. Steve caressed his friend’s face and shot him a smile.

“I love you too.” Steve answered back.

 


End file.
